I am back & feeling sooo much better!

Hello dear friends and followers, how I have missed this little blog of mine and all of you.  I want to thank so many people who have helped me out with inspiring messages of hope and for the cards to get well that were sent, and for all your prayers.  I have been getting better and better and I guess it was just time that would take care of me.  I started to take my medicine, talked to my doctor who increased a pill and am now back seeing my therapist on a regular basis.  I was so low there even after I left my last post that I just wanted to die. Honestly I would go to bed and write out my suicide note in my head.  My thoughts of leaving my kids like that was my reason for living.  I could never do that to them or to my family and Eric, and my friends.  So I just wanted to start out this post with the fact that I am doing soooo much better and God willing I will not feel this way again.

I am back to crafting again and I love it again! Thank God about that one.  I don't know what I would do without crafting in my life.  I told my psychiatrist that I was on the verge of selling all my supplies and even the thought of looking at a crafty item was just hard to do.  I have been creating again and getting back to my "normal" life.  I have a new card for the Hodge Podge Shop I just have to take the pictures and post.  I was asked to be on their Design Team and I had only created one card and have been on the DL until now with them.  So I want to thank my DT sisters and Shelley the owner of Hodge Podge for your patience with me getting better, you're all great and talented women and very supportive!  {Huggles} to you all!  The group PBS_Swappers is in the middle of a couple swaps now.  I have created a bookmark; my first one ever to be honest, for the Winter Themed Bookmark swap.  I have a Secret Sister on another group I belong to.  I received a card from her today along with a quote she sent to me, I plan on doing something with that quote and placing it somewhere that I will always see it.  When I get that completed I will post a picture of it.  I don't know anything about my secret pal other than I believe she is in Europe somewhere, but that is all I know.  I like the surprise part of it though.  I won't know who she is until next October!  Wow!  That's a long time to wait to find out someones identity...but I am patient.

Something else that I wanted to share was that I recently bought a new Cricut Expression which came in a WONDERFUL bundle with the Your Story.  With those two great machines came 4 cartridges for the Cricut, 10 markers for the Cricut, and 8 books with teh Your Story, 58 laminating sheets, 3 digital downloads, and geez lots more!  I am selling my Slice Machine now that I have this.  I just listed it on Craigslist tonight, wish me luck on selling it.

Well here are a couple of picks for you, the first is the card I received today from my secret pal, and then the bookmark I created.  The bookmark has cardinals on it and blue inked vellum snowflakes.

I will be posting again in a day or so with  my Hodge Podge Shop design.  So stay tuned.  Again, to everyone who talked to me, emailed me, sent cards, kept me in your prayers, etc.  I have nothing but sheer gratitude for you all.  You are all a true blessing and I am lucky to have you all in my life.

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Depression Sucks!!!

So it's 4:02 AM here in Milford, Ohio now and I have been in a major depression.  I still am in it but I am fighting light crazy to get out of it, believe me, this is no fun.  I'm sure there are some of you who can agree with me or know someone who has been here/there.  I had to totally re-think why I started crafting in the first place and it was because it was FUN.  Lately it's not been fun.  NOTHING has been fun.  The only thing that has been considered fun to me is sleep, and lots of it.  But let me back track here a minute and tell you why and how I got myself into this depressed pickle that I am in.  Oh yes, there is a reason.  It's my fault, 100% my fault.  It's called STUPIDITY, or "Christy stopped taking her medication" either one will due at this point.  I don't know if many of you know that I suffer from a major disability called schizo-affective disorder.  How I describe it is like bi-polar with bells and whistles.   It seems bi-polar is more known and talked about these days so that is why I chose to reference that particular disorder.  I really don't want to go in to all of what schizoaffective is all about, although your more than welcome to go here to learn more if you really want to.  So yea, I have been on permanent disability due to this disorder since 2001 and am on a slue of medicine and you would think that I would know by now that I cannot stop the medicine.  Unfortunately, one of the things with this is that I get to feeling "good" and think that I don't need medicine.  Which I believe is what happened here.  I stopped going to my therapist who I have been seeing for years, just quit, no reason...didn't even say anything to her at all, just stopped.  I'm still seeing my doctor though, I need to see him.  I have really screwed things up this time though I feel.  I think my kids hate me, or at least are pissed at me, why?  I don't know, I have been so distant with EVERYONE that I think they are "retaliating" back at me.  I don't know.  I mean I know they don't hate me, but I just feel the tension there between us.  Unfortunately one of the things with this disorder is paranoia and that may be what I am feeling, but it seems real.  Who knows, I certainly don't.  I am scared to death to tell my psychiatrist that I haven't been taking my pills...I don't know what he will do.  That almost scares me even more...the unknown has always scared me.

So here is my plan that I am going to try and stick to:#1TAKE PILLS EVERYDAY no matter what.  I have been picking and choosing what pills I take in the last few months and that's not good.  I haven't been taking the right ones. #2 Get up everyday and do something outside, where I live has a full free access gym, I need it, lol.  If its not the gym Eric has even suggested going to the mall and window shopping or something like that, just to get out of the apartment for a few hours a day. #3 Get back to seeing my therapist on a regular basis.

So that is my plan for my mental health that I hope to keep...no, I will keep it because I need to in order to live my life in any way shape or form.  I am a complete mess if I don't do the above.

Below are some cards that I have managed to do...

 I wanted to share with you some things that I have been doing here and there...I hope you like what you see.

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My daughter is hurting and I don't know what to do

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This is my daughter Kristin, she is 16 years old and part of my world, my life, my everything.  She contacted me at 2 AM this morning and was/is very upset.  I know that teenagers go through rough spots, as I did and I'm sure we all did growing up.  I mean let's face it, being a teenager at any time period or generation is not always a picnic. 

Kristin has been going through her rough time now for months and I am beyond worried for her.  I just ache when I hear her cry or sad.  My heart just breaks for her and her pain that she's going through.  As a mom I want to protect my kids from anything that can go wrong in their lives, but it just seems that its one thing after another with her that she goes through.  I know she is suffering from depression and I know from personal experience that its so hard to get out of the pit once you're deep into it.  I have given Kristin all my advice on what I have done and lived through as to try and help her and talked to her hours on end and it seems that she's just not the same happy, strong-willed, silly, and determined girl I knew a year ago. 

I have talked to her dad who has custody of her and my son Kevin about this and he almost refuses to see that she needs some type of professional help at this point.  I do not want to go into some of the ugly details that surround my worry with her, as I do not want to embarrass her.  I just know that something has to be done here and my hands are tied.  Being the non-custodial parent leaves me with nothing but advice to my ex-husband which 99% of the time goes unheard.  He merely thinks that Kristin is lazy and doesn't care about anything.  He is so hard-headed and it makes me so angry that I cannot get through to him the seriousness of the current situation with our girl.

Kristin and I are very close, closer than anyone and I love that she can talk to me about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that goes on in her life.  We have such an open door relationship and she knows that I'm always here for her.  But one day I am afraid that just won't be enough.  I'm afraid that day is quickly coming, and I am scared to death for her and what could be.

I just wanted to write alittle about this in the hopes that someone out there would have some new advice for me or that you can say a prayer for my baby girl who is so lost now in life.

Thanks and take care!